Most of us know
who needs us.
Can you name
who you need?
Think of three things someone else could reasonably help you with right now.
Name your three things
Not someday. Not in theory. Right now.
Then think of three people you could ask.
Then make the ask.
Three Things I Need is a public participation project about the help we need but do not request, why we do not ask, and what happens when we finally do.
Who
helps her?
We know what she does for everyone else.
We want to know what happens when she asks.
You know her.
She handles it.
She remembers.
She figures it out.
She takes care of what everybody else forgot.
She answers when somebody calls.
She gets it done.
Strong. Independent.
Capable. Reliable.
People describe her as strong.
Independent. Capable. Reliable.
Eventually, everybody gets used to the fact that she can handle almost anything.
Including her.
But who helps her?
In connection with International Day of Care and Support on October 29, Three Things I Need is asking women a simple question:
What do you need help with that you have not asked for?
And then we want to know:
What happens when you ask?
Are we mistaking unsupported women for strong women?
- “She never complains.”
- “She doesn’t need much.”
- “She always figures it out.”
- “I don’t know how she does it.”
- “She’s a machine.”
We mean those things as compliments.
But what happens when being capable becomes an expectation?
What happens when the person who rarely asks for anything becomes the person nobody thinks to help?
And how much are we doing alone simply because asking feels harder than doing it ourselves?
We want to find out.
“I need help” is difficult to answer.
These are not:
So make the need concrete.
Name three things.
What would materially lighten your load right now?
Name three people.
Who could reasonably help?
Make three asks.
Give another person the opportunity to say yes.
That is the method.
Before you begin
Consider one question:
If somebody you cared about needed exactly the help you need right now, would you help them?
If the answer is yes:
Why are you so certain that asking them is too much?
That gap between what we are willing to give and what we are willing to request is one of the things Three Things I Need wants to understand.
Name your three thingsWhat happens
when we ask?
First findings planned for October 29Our first Who Helps Her? findings are planned for October 29.
We are asking:
- 01What do people need help with but never request?
- 02Why don't they ask?
- 03What do they do instead?
- 04How long do they wait?
- 05Do people described as strong, independent, and capable find it harder to ask?
- 06Are we more willing to help other people than we believe other people are willing to help us?
- 07Do people wait until a manageable need becomes a crisis?
- 08And when they finally ask, what happens?
“People thought I was a machine. I was proud of it.”
I'm Nanda Dyssou.
I am the founder and lead strategist of Coriolis Company, an award-winning Los Angeles publicity firm specializing in academics, public intellectuals, and serious books.
I have represented more than 300 academics and authors. For years, part of my work has involved telling accomplished people something very simple:
Ask for the introduction.
Ask someone to share the book.
Ask for support.
Use the network you spent years building.
Important things rarely happen alone.
Read Nanda’s full story
I believed every word of that.
I just wasn't very good at applying it to myself.
I worked 12-hour days until I went into labor with both of my children.
Both times, I went back to work three days after giving birth.
Many people in my professional life did not even know I had children.
People thought I was a machine.
And frankly, I liked it.
Then, after returning from a family trip during one of the busiest periods of my professional year, I learned that my husband had been having an affair and was leaving the marriage.
Suddenly I was running a nationally recognized company, caring for two young children, and dealing with the collapse of a private life almost nobody knew anything about.
For once, working harder was not the answer.
I had spent years telling other people to activate their networks.
Now I had to activate mine.
I had to answer three questions:
What do I need?
Who could help?
Am I willing to ask?
Three Things I Need started there.
But this project is not about my divorce.
It started with a question my experience left me with:
Was I unusual?
Or are there millions of people who are extraordinarily good at being needed and remarkably uncomfortable needing anyone themselves?
I want to find out.
Start with what you need.
What are three things another person could reasonably help you with right now?
Having trouble loading the form? Open the survey in a new tab.
Three Things
I Need.
Three Things I Need is a public participation project created by Nanda Dyssou.
The survey is open to adults of all genders.
Who Helps Her? is the project’s first focused campaign and examines women’s experiences in connection with International Day of Care and Support on October 29.
Methodology
Responses submitted through this website come from people who voluntarily choose to participate.
This is a self-selected public sample and should not be interpreted as a nationally representative poll.
We may report aggregate findings, differences among respondent groups where appropriate, and anonymous excerpts from open-ended responses.
Any future nationally representative research will be identified separately and accompanied by its methodology.
Privacy
You do not need to provide your name.
Please do not include names, employers, addresses, phone numbers, medical-record information, or other identifying details in your written responses.
Survey responses may be analyzed, aggregated, and quoted anonymously in reports, media coverage, presentations, educational materials, and other materials associated with Three Things I Need.
If you voluntarily provide an email address for follow-up, it will not be published with your responses.